The reality is that when I got to this lake I was so sick and dizzy I could hardly stand up and I was incredibly angry at my partner because he’d given me some strong chocolate that made me sick, but when I look back at this photograph from three years ago all I see is elusive beauty…a time that I can’t recapture. Reminiscence smooths out the rough spots and creates a beautiful reflection.
I deleted all of the photographs with his image long ago, and towards the end started only taking landscapes so there would be nothing to delete later. I’m choosing to hold on to the beauty of the places we visited and to let go of the disappointments and betrayals.
There is a wonderful rose garden near my office. I go there almost every day to see what has changed and to smell the flowers. My phone has many photos of roses which caught my eye on different days. This was yesterday’s rose. The beauty and the scent were unaffected, and perhaps even heightened because of how damaged it is. The gardeners tend lovingly to this area, but somehow this rose must have been particularly appealing to whatever is eating it alive. I think the holes are lovely though with their negative space framed by dark edges. I felt a kinship to this flower. Relationships and events in my life sometimes nibble little pieces of me away and though I am alive, I too am a damaged rose.
This is the very beginning of a story quilt about one of my demons. I have been meditating for around 50 days, exploring different types and surrendering to those that speak to me. One of the most intense has been “Feeding your Demons”. Llama Tsultrim Allione has made a Tibetan practice of getting to know and interact with the things that haunt and block us and changing them to be our allies accessible to Westerners. I have had several demon feeding sessions and one brought me to the realization that my need for external validation has become a monster, yet when if I shift my focus to providing it for myself it nourishes me and creates an abundance of love I can share with the world.
Right now, the quilt is waiting for the right fabric to make my demon out of. It will be inky and squid-like. The background and curled up silhouette are made from fabrics that I dyed myself with a combination of rust, plants from my yard, and chemical dye. The slow process of hand piecing the quilt top allows time for reflection and growth. I hope that the finished quilt will tell a story of healing and that this demon will be externalized for good.